COUGAR 'NOT FROM SCHNORTZVILLE'
COUGAR KILLED | Cops, Mayor Defend Shooting as Schnortzville Council Investigates What Brought Predator to Town
 April 16, 2008
 (CHICAGO) How did a rogue big cat, shot by Chicago Police, wind up in fashionable Roscoe Village this week? That question was on the mind of each and every        member of the Schnortzville Council (except for Elijah Bell, who was thinking mostly about sinking his teeth into a corned beef sandwich).
  
 “Heck, I’ve never been to Roscoe Village,” offered frequent Schnortzville resident Roxie Erdman.
  
 “Never heard of it,” said her cousin Bella Liebovich. “They sure he didn’t come from these here parts?”
  
 “That cougar was not from Schnortzville,” said Artie Fufkin, spokesperson for Schnortzville Pet Spa & Doggie Daycare. “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: THE  BIG KITTY AIN’T FROM SCHNORTVILLE.”
  
 “We haven’t seen a cat that big ‘round these parts since James Williams left town,”  said Honey Park (Lab/Beagle).
  
 “I wouldn’t be surprised if it belonged to one of the neighbors,” added Mookie  Schuman (Collie).
  
 But based on a necropsy performed earlier this week, there’s little doubt that the  cougar was a wild animal and not an escaped exotic pet.
  
 Administrators from Cook County Animal Control said that the cat was missing each  and every hallmark of a kept animal—his incisors, or gripping teeth, were intact, as   were his claws. And there was no microchip inserted in his body, nor were there  reports from sanctioned sanctuaries of a missing cougar.
  
 One possible lead came from the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources,  which had been tracking a cougar through the replicated Asian swamps of Kenosha. Animal Control will conduct a DNA comparison and other tests in an attempt to try and figure out where the cat migrated from.
  
 “Wouldn’t surprise me if it came from Wisconsin,” sighed Council President Lucy  Burger (Lab/Boxer). “Just like Jon Lepeska and the rest of the Packer riff-raff.”
  
 Another source suggested that the cat might have been following Michigan railway paths through Indiana to Chicago. “It's possible he was chased off his territory by disgruntled militia folks,” said Fufkin. “All of whom carry guns, knives, and cheap  whiskey inside their Bibles.”
  
 “This young cougar came west looking for love and acceptance,” said President  Burger with a deep sigh. “And all it did was get him shot. It’s like some sick Ted     Nugent fantasy.”

SCHNORTZVILLE CATCHES BASEBALL FEVER                                                                      COUNCIL DEBATE CREATES DOG DAY AFTERNOON                                                                            March 21, 2008                                                                                                                (CHICAGO)  Schnortzville was panting with baseball fever this week as fuzzy fans of America’s favorite pastime took in opening day with a little help from WGN, Comcast Sports Net, and Sirius Satellite Radio.

Lucy Burger, the only member of Schnortzville to attend an actual Major League                   Baseball game, led the festivities with fresh water and a bag of Gary Busey-flavored treats. 

“Delicious,” said the infamous Cooper Schnortz, who wore his White Sox collar and     #24 Joe Crede cotton underpants to celebrate the occasion.   

The feel-good day was not without controversy, however. Collie pup Mookie Blaylock   tore up the peaceful pea patch by authoring a Schnortzville Council resolution           (SCR-101) proclaiming the Chicago Cubs as World Series Champions. “Simply expressing my loyalties,” he said.

White Sox fans Lucy Burger and Greta Kisner were not amused. In fact, they worked behind the scenes to table the motion.  “Mookie should stick to basketball,” said Dachshund Chili Schumacher.  “Besides, the resolution itself is outrageous. Titles      are earned, not given away . . . unless, of course, you’re a friend of Todd Stroger.”

“Plus,” Greta added, “The Cubs haven’t won anything in our lifetime.”

“Well, the Sox haven’t won anything in my lifetime,” sassed the 5-month-old Blaylock.

 “Don’t be barking down the pickle barrel,” cautioned Lucy Burger. “The Cubs haven’t won anything in anyone’s lifetime.”

 “I proclaim the Cleveland Indians as this year’s champs,” interrupted Australian Shepherd Maximus Sisi. He attempted, unsuccessfully, to amend the resolution in support of the Tribe.

 Not to be outdone, Lab-Sharpei Milo Beatle succeeded in suspending the rules in   order to re-dedicate the resolution to “the Chicago White Schnortz.” 

 “It was a brilliant parliamentary maneuver,” said Rocky Peeps, a Colorado    Pomeranian. “Too bad the dog doesn’t know his Sox from his Schnortz. I’m afraid        that the esteemed Beatle’s unbridled charisma is cursed by a lack of attention to    detail.”

Once it was confirmed that there was no such team as the Chicago White Schnortz,     the debate shifted in a new direction as Tanner Finn (Welsh Pembroke Corgi) proclaimed that the entire month belonged to Al Pacino, not Major League Baseball.  

It was a pronouncement that proved very popular in Schnortzville.  The resolution,    finally, was amended unanimously to proclaim April as Al Pacino Month in     Schnortzville. In the final version, there was no mention of baseball.

“It makes sense,” explained Elijah Bell (Malamute-Samoyed). “Why, Major League Baseball doesn’t even have one team named after us. It’s insulting. In the American League East alone, they have two teams named after chickens.”

"It’s A Dog Day Afternoon here everyday, baby” said Lucy Burger. “So, I ask my constituents this: who needs chickens when you got Schnortzes?”

(Biff Lorenzo and Harvey Krapps contributed to this article.)

BURGER RELEASES SCHNORTZVILLE TOP 1O                                                                    DEF LEPPARD, JOAN JETT ROCK THE HOUNDS                                                                                 March 21, 2008                                                                                                                (CHICAGO) DJ Lucy Burger released the March 2008 Schnortville playlist this week amidst much fanfare.

 "This is the list we've been waiting for, the list everyone follows," said Polymer       Records President Artie Fufkin.  "One word to describe it: juicy."  Fufkin, the proud    owner of two basset hounds, is best known for his 1979 effort to market     Gainesburgers to humans under the slogan, They're Not Just Your Dog's Breakfast Anymore. 

The Burger Top 10:                                                                                                                           1.   Def Leppard, Animal                                                                                                                  2.   Joan Jett and the Blackhearts,  I Wanna Be Your Dog                                                       3.   Snoop Dog, Doggy Style                                                                                                           4.   Kalumba King, Lift Your Leg on Kwame Kilpatrick                                                             5.   Cher Bono, Half-breed                                                                                                              6.   Eddie Money & Ronnie Spector, Take Me Home Tonight                                                   7.   Aerosmith, Lick & a Promise                                                                                                   8.   Led Zeppelin, Black Dog (a Tribute to Milo)                                                                             9.   AC/DC, Given the Dog a Bone                                                                                               10. Al Stewart, Year of the Cat (played amongst a shower of boos)

BURGER SPINS TUNES TO EASE POLITICAL TENSION                                                           CLINTON, OBAMA SUPPORTERS CLASH IN SCHNORTZVILLE                                                   March 14, 2008                                                                                                                (CHICAGO)   Schnortzville Council elections were postponed today as tensions    between canine supporters of Hillary Clinton and hometown favorite Barack            Obama degenerated into a frenzied bark-fest.  Labrador mix Cooper Schnortz, clad         in his favorite "Hillary '08" cotton underpants, debated the merits of experience vs.     change with fervent Obama supporter Kitty Gestalt-Fry, a Brussels Griffon from a      rather tony area of Lake Shore Drive.

The exchange lasted less than five minutes, until Ms. Gestalt-Fry referred to Mr.    Schnortz as a "rabid" Clinton supporter, a poor choice of words that did not sit well      with other Schnortzville guests and patrons. 

It was a horribly awkward moment, but the day was saved when DJ Lucy Burger     distracted the fuzzy crowd with joyous musical selections provided by the new  Schnortzville station  found exclusively on Sirius Satellite Radio.  

"I was skeptical of the music at first," said McCain supporter Sadie Lee Dakota,                a Jack Russell terrier from Michigan. "But that Burger, she played songs that eased     the tension."    

Next week, the Burger plans to release Sirius Radio's Top Ten Schnortzville         anthems.   Stay tuned!

RAIN DOESN'T SPOIL SCHNORTZVILLE PARADE                                                                         March 3, 2008                                                                                                                                      (CHICAGO) Cold skies spilled buckets of rain over Andersonville this morning,                    but the smell of wet dog didn't dampen the opening day festivities at Schnortzville               Pet Spa & Doggie Daycare.

Host Cooper Schnortz, the grizzled rescue veteran, welcomed eight canine guests         with unbridled enthusiasm, including gorgeous new pals Winston, Jasmine, and      Trevor. Cousin Freddie Fretters also made an appearance, a surprise visit that               sent Milo Beatle into a ball-chasing frenzy.

Meanwhile, the recently love-struck lady Lucy Burger was nothing less than       enchanting as she greeted passersby in the front window, wagging her tail and    secretly longing for her new sweetheart Logan the Beagle-hearted.  Not to be       outdone by his sibling, Elijah Bell rounded out the afternoon by delighting guests        with his now-famous Cher Bono imitation.

Alas, the first day of Schnortzville is now history.  If you missed it, hopefully we'll            see you tomorrow!